17 Sep09

Topics:Arb Thoughts 

There is no such thing as love and hate. There is only passion with extremes. This is how I came up with the thought:

 

I was a very shy kid. I couldn't talk to waiters, shop tellers, or my parents friends. I hid behind my mom's skirt when someone new came along. God forbid there was a camera aound... I couldn't wait to get away. My big sister was my protector, she'd let me sleep in her room for 2/3 months after watching Gremlins at age 6. Suddenly I think her hormones kicked in... cause like all things, this relationship changed. My sister and I started fighting, she was a bully as much as she was a protector. One day she was chasing me for some reason [which now eludes me]. I remember the moment clearly. It was between the kitchen and sitting room where I stopped suddenly and realied “Hey, I'm bigger than she is. Why am I letting her get away with this? ENOUGH.” I turned around. She obviously saw something had changed and she bolted off in the other direction. This was a moment in my life that has stuck in myhead. It taught me to stand my ground.

 

Somewhere around the time I was 10 I sat next to a girl in school for the whole year. I didnt realise it until the year ended, but I had grown attached to her. Aahhh yes... young puppy love. I remember being infatuated with her. It was only when I had moved to the next grade in school that I knew how much. I recall asking my mom if I could take her out on a date. It was a strange conversation that I didn't quite know how to start with for one reason: when I was 4 or 5 years old I said “Girls are yucky... I will never get married eewww! Girl germs!” Yup, words spoken by a niaeve child. I got over the girl germs. On with the story, being shy and trying to get a girl to notice you, especiallly when you know you like her is rather challenging. What do you say? How do you say it? When do you say it? If you do end up going out with her, where do you go on a date? I was 11 for crying out loud! .... so after trying to pass notes & gifts of affection via friends... it was very unsuccessful. She left for another town and I learnt to get on with life.

 

My next attempt at a relationship was when I was about 15 ended up being a brief internet romance which let me find one of my best friends. We are still mates to this day. I remember going to veldschool and writing to her every day. Apparently she says she still has those letters.

 

Next up came a a lovely teenage girl who I was infatuated with. I was determine to make it work. We spent hours on the phone with each other every night. The days I didn't speak to her I always felt like something was missing. I wrote her poetry, I sent her flowers, I took her to the spring balls, the valentine balls.... No matter how much I pursued, she was always just out of reach yet always there giving me hope.

 

A few years later, having just graduated from highschool, I took my matric holiday down in Cape Town and ended up having one of my first real holiday romances. The month or so I was down there was spent holding hands, frolicing on a beach, hiding out in a friend's sister's spare bedroom being crazy teenagers. The rollercoaster of emotions we went through after I left that holiday behind was great... a year later and a few break ups and getting back together... thngs eventually ended. I realised how much one can hurt and get hurt.

 

Not having learnt my lesson properly, a similar relationship happened again a year or two later with me in Cape Town on holiday. It was an intense whirlwind that came into my life, lifted me up off my feet and put my head in the clouds. I remember leaving her was the hardest thing I could do. So much so, I put myself in debt just to bring her up to Johanesburg just so I could be with her. Over the months I was flying down to Cape Town and back. I started job hunting, but at the beginning of my career, people weren't interested in looking at me. We eventally called it quits.

 

Another few years pass by and I meet up with a girl who had lived next door to a school friend and things sparked off. I spent everyday of 4 months with her. We talked, we laughed and kept each other company. We went on holiday to the South Coast for 7 days and I think we saw the ocean maybe three times. I left for the states and spent the next 6 months there. I landed and was pining after the woman I left behind. Eventually I got back home, we moved in together. The next year or so was spent in a little bubble that was slowly shrinking. Towards the end, I was the only thing in her world and I realised what people meant when they said unhealthy dependancy. I wouldn't let a woman tell me I can't see my friends. Unfortunately for her, she tried this. My friends had been the family I didn't have at the the time.

 

About a year passes... Enter the drama queen. I had met her around my 21^st and remembered a woman who always had something that was annoying her. Yet somehow, we started chating and got on. Chatting turned into long conversations about random things. We were both running around trying to hide from a past that haunted us by going crazy on weekends and spending a lot of tme together. She was fast becoming one of my best friends. In the begining, it was a rough start. We couldn't be together but we couldn't be without each other. In all honesty, our relationship started one night after I spent 10 minutes crapping her out in public for putting me on a rollercoaster of emtotions. Under normal circumstances I probably would've done it in private or not at all. Two things contributed to me not acting like myself. 1 – I was on my third blue juice (6 tots of alchol, some sour mix and sprite). 2 – She provoked me in ways no other woman has manged to. Out of the women who have come and gone in my life, I think she knew me the best. Of course this meant that she knew which buttons to push and how often. On the positive side, she was able to call me up on all my bullshit. She was my best friend, she was my confidant, she was the one I turned to. She was the one I thought I'd end up marrying. She was also very volatile. I think it was one of the most passionate relationships I've ever had. She taught me so much about myself, about what I want and what I don't want. She also instilled a sense of appreciation for the art world and all things aesthetc. She was the one to point out the Bergen Rhythm.

 

My life has progressed a lot since then. I experienced the most amazing women with religious convictions that clashed with my beliefs. I lost one who had amazing potential to studies overseas. I even became an instant father for a period of a few months.

 

What is this all about. Introspection. Learning from my experience. Taking the good. Letting go of all the baggage. I know what I don't want. I have a pretty good idea of what I do want. I am fairly stuck in my ways, but I am willing to change if there is a good reason to do so. My past has moulded me into who I am today. I've learnt how to dance to the Bergen Rhythm. Believe in butterflies. Treasure the butterflies and nurture them.

 

Thank you to all who gave me the butterflies. They helped me live and grow. I will remember all the good times with a smile on my face.

 

Live life without regrets.

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