Environment of stretch
Topics:ME! Arb Thoughts
Two months ago I was faced with making one of the tougher decisions of my life. Do I or do I not date one of the most amazing women I’ve met during the course of my life. A simple choice I hear you say. Ha! What I’m leaving out is also that which would send a large number of her potential suitors running for the hills is this: She has a three year old son.
After a lot of internal debate and putting off what I now know was the inevitable, [Yes, she’s a persistent woman…] I asked her out.
So as you can well imagine I’ve embarked on a journey that’s full of its ups and downs. The closest things that I’ve come to what I am about to experience:
A live-in girlfriend. All the commitment minus the marriage papers. I don’t think there’s need to elaborate much more there.
Summer camp. In 2003 I went off to Buck’s Rock Performing and Creative Arts Camp where I had a bunch of 11 to 13 year olds that I lived with for a few months. It was challenging and I lived with them day in and day out. I was a pseudo parent dealing with their successes, their failures, their fears and their joys. It was the most rewarding experience of my life. I learnt a lot during the time.
Camp had a time the doors were opened to the kids. It had a time when the kids went home to their parents. The kids at camp [most of them] had left their temper tantrum throwing days long ago. They didn’t NEEEEEEEEDDD everything they saw. These kids were in an environment that was controlled. There was little influence from the outside. There were rules. Rules of the camp, rules that myself and my co-counsellor set for our bunk had set.
Over the past two months I’ve been getting more and more exposure to the inner workings of a tiny family consisting of a 3 year old and his amazing mother. The last month has been rough on the mother. She has had to deal with a major car break down, a death of a close friend who’s been in the family for years and an ex husband that supports the kid in every way possible and is involved in the kids life, but constantly challenges his mother when she needs help the most.
I’ve been trying to strike the balance between dating her on her own [on the kid free nights and weekends] and interacting with her and her child. There are so many things I need to learn. It is a relationship that has dynamics that are unlike anything I’ve ever encountered and probably would not have until I had kids of my own.
Two of the most major gear shifts I have had to do are these:
- I am not the number 1 person in her life.
- The child will challenge her and there is NOTHING I can or should do right now.
The first point was something that came to me while I was in the throws of figuring out if I was ready for this. What dawned on me is that this is inevitable. When I have kids of my own, they will become priority number 1 for me, so why should it not be the same for her. I needed to grow up and accept this. In some twisted way, it satisfies a need of mine to have my own space. Not to say I don’t appreciate having her around or her and the kid, but we all need time to recharge our batteries.
I handled about forty 11 to 13 year olds [prepubescent hormonal kids] over a period of about 3 months. One 3 year old can’t be too much to handle … can he? Temper tantrums, grumpy moods, kicking, head-butting and all the other boundary tests that all 3 year olds perform. Being a child of divorce and the natural competition between the parents for the child’s affection, combine this with a year+ of living at doting grandparent’s house, regular stays at dad’s house…. as you can imagine, a lot of spoiling, loads of different rules being enforced by various influential figures. All of this happening to a 3 year old who should be settled into some kind of routine, with fixed rules and known boundaries. The child will test his mother’s will. The child will test her patience. The child will try and figure out the rules. The child will use every emotional tool at his disposal he’s known since birth. My natural instinct is to try and help, but in all this, I have had to realise I am the outsider to it all. The advice I’ve been given is to stay back. I should not try to help her. I should not try deal with the child. I’ve had to learn to stay back until she needs me.
Kid and tantrums:
The golden rule is to walk away, go into the kitchen, make tea and let mama sort this one out. Grit your teeth and do it. But, be helpful in an indirect fashion. Trust me, mama doesn’t need your help sorting this one out, and your “advice” is invalid unless you have a kid yourself.
The excerpt was taken from Cath’s blog post [yes, she is a single mother, not ‘the single mother’]. I wonder if it was my tweet asking advice that sparked this?
Over the coming months/years I will obviously be learning a lot more. I only hope I can pass these learnings on to other guys who take up the challenge of learning to date two people at the same time. Hopefully you as the single mother community out there can give me advice so I don’t have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. What do they call that, being proactive?
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Current Comments // 03
The best thing I can say, is with regards to you "parenting" this child talk to her mom about it, keep those communication lines open at all times. If the kid does something "wrong" that upsets you or encroach on you in a way that does not work for you, let her know and ask her what she thinks an appropriate way for you to have dealt with it would have been.
The kid definitely needs to see you as an authority figure (even if the authority if false), or else you'll become an equal to it, and that would not be good.... Read more
Keep up with it, the risk here is great, but the reward in the end will most likely be well worth it.
When a person has a baby, its really a change, but also it is also changing the focus of her "commitments ... Read moreand responsabilities". Before was another family`s members....
I am not a single mum ( or single dad), but I have some friends who are, and the best way to build something up, is to realize that your role in the relationship is unique, and is pointless to try to put a sign to every role in the relationship. Respect, love the person, take care of the things that are important to your love one ( and that include`s the child, when in a relationship without children would be her Ballet class or her sport competition or her professional career), and she will try to care for the things that are important for you.
Hope it works!
:)
When I was raising my knucklehead on my own, I had a few BFs... but my issue was not wanting to let them "in" because I was not sure they would be around permanently, and if I got hurt so did my son. I resented any and all interference.
Naturally these relationships ended badly... and it all made me even more bitter and I was single for a loooong time.
Cath's post truly was awesome, and there's a lot of really good advice in there.
I am seriously impressed that you are asking for advice.
I think maybe, give her a few months and ask her what she would be comfortable with you doing...? Especially if its serious enough to move in together.
Good luck!