27 Jan09

Topics:Arb Thoughts 

... What do I want? ...That question has been echoing in my mind for a long time. What do I want? Where do I want to go? Where do I want to live? Should I worry about style and fashion or carry on ignoring it? Will I find out that I like cucumber this year and if I do, will I be able to eat salads? What do I want to be when I grow up? Wait! I am grown up.

Through-out most of my life, I've pretty much known what I wanted in a vague way. The details have been fuzzy. I know I wanted to have a job that excites me, one where I get to dream up creative ideas and have a great impact on people's lives. I think I've finally landed that dream job in a company that allows me that freedom and has a great vibe and their vision is to help people! They will find a way to make money, that will come. Do good now. These details I didn't foresee, but I knew that they were what I was looking for when I found it.

On the personal side, I know that I'd like to share my life with someone. I don't want that someone to be a sponge, nor to mother me, definitely not someone who's dumb, nor to be a psychotic knife wielding bunny boiler. Looking at that list, its rather vague. Its got a lot of "don't want" items and trust me, those items extend far beyond that list. All in all, I have that vague picture in my head, lets start with the glimpse:

• Female
• I must be attracted to her (Am I shallow, honest... or both?)
• Smart & Independent Minded
• Caring & Comforting without the mothering/smothering
• Able to tell me I'm whining without being a bitch, e.g.:
  • Being a bitch: "Shuddit, your whining is giving me a headache"
  • Not being a bitch: "Sweetie, you know I adore you. What's the solution and how can I help?"
• Be passionate without being a drama queen
• Ability to communicate with me
• Understand my lateral thinking
• Realise that we are allowed to have different religious views, but that mine are mine and most likely will clash with anything that resembles "organised religion"... and to accept that and not push religion on me
• Anticipate that I want things SUPER clean, yet understand that I can be untidy (there is a difference).
  • ... which is, if you could find the floor of my bedroom, you could eat off of it
• Motivate me to do stuff I procrastinate on (again, without being a bitch, see above)

So there's a picture there. When it comes to detail, is it enough? Is it too much. Does it mean I'm too fussy in what I want, or I'm not fussy enough? Do I look for what I perceive as faults in women when I meet them, or do I look for the good side and ignore the faults then get horribly surprised by them? I think I do both, and depending on where I am in life, I lean one way or the other.  Should one have a check list that one runs through, or not?

Do I create my own misery? Do I create my own drama? Do I react to the nonsense that I could probably ignore and make it 100x worse?

I think if I distil the above into its simplest form. I'm looking for the same things I give unquestioningly. I have tried to stay away from being jaded by my experience (in business context and person), but as far as I've tried to avoid it, I know that I am still tainted. It is going to take me time to get through issues and work on them.

Recently, I've found a wonderful working environment. Yes, I'm sure I am probably in the honeymoon period there still... but have you ever felt at home and welcome in the first few days of starting your new job?

Is this the same thing  that I can expect in a relationship? Go through the motions until you either find one day, that even though you were expecting the worst and causing your own misery through reacting to things that weren't there. Your check list was a waste of time and you sabotaged yourself. You suck it up, fix any damage you may have caused and treasure the moments going forward (obviously party number 2 has to play ball with this one)... Or is it that magical movie moment where you suddenly meet someone who doesn't dish out bullshit for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You no longer want to be that selfish bastard who's protecting his heart that got stomped on because you know the young lass involved won't put boil it with your favourite pet bunny.  Finally, someone who scores a perfect 100% on the check list.

Is there a plan? Is there destiny? Do I need to know what I want? Do I bother with a check list?

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